can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
