wrigley field is MILF paradise
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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