Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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