Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
