you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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