Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
