Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
