I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
