Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
