my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
