im drinking this country out of the recession.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
