I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
