We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
