Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She bit a glass in half.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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