It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
