i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
