I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
