I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
