Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
