my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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