My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
