my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
