Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
