Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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