Cold hands, warm shart.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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