This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
