Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
