On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
