Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
it glows. i had to have it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
