Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You've changed since you got that strap on
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
