Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
