We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
