he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
