just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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