So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
