Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
