you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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