Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
