He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
