She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
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