I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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