I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
