I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
