I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
