K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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