just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
