Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
