i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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