This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
