I am in a vortex of obligation.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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