she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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